Book Review: Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before -- and After -- You Marry

Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before -- and After -- You Marry by Les Parrott
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I warily approach marriage and relationship books from religious perspectives. I've encountered too many of them that promote a "biblical" perspective and ignore, discount, and dismiss findings from science and academics. I'm happy to report that this book takes current research and findings from the sciences and academia as priorities. It is informed by what is found in the Bible and its Christian interpretations, but it does not attempt to base its authority in the Bible.

For example, in the Question 2 chapter there is material discussing cohabitation. The Parrotts do not use judgmental terms, nor do they bring in biblical perspectives, but provides sociological and psychological evidence in their recommendation against it. They do not condemn it our call it "sin" or (especially) "living in sin" but sees it as something that is common in society but perhaps may not be in the best interests of couples from a scientific perspective.

I own an earlier edition (2006) of this book. Much of the material is the same. The most significant change is in the integration of the SYMBIS (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) Assessment. A purchased book includes an access code for one couple to take the online assessment. The assessment is referenced throughout the book. Couples who have taken it prior to starting the book can refer to the results and use them as discussion points. An Appendix has been added giving an overview into SYMBIS and personality dynamics.

In the chapter Question Four discussing the topic of communication, material has been added discussing the problem of our electronic gadgets becoming barriers.

My biggest disappointment was with Question Five in which gender differences are discussed. On the positive side, gender roles are not prescribed nor are they discussed. The ideas of submission and headship are totally absent, which I see as a huge plus above many other "Christian marriage" material.

However the chapter does tend to paint in fairly balck-and-white terms personality, thinking, and behavioral style differences that are supposedly found between men and women. It defines feminism in terms of some of the radical 1970's era understandings (e.g., the abolition of gender), failing to recognize that this is one narrow perspective of feminism (albeit a common Christian misunderstanding of it). The chapter paints a broad, stereotypical portrait of men and women without recognizing that reality is far more nuanced and that broad traits identified with a particular gender often do not manifest so clearly in real people, or that real people usually have a combination of both "male" and "female" traits. What I could take away from this chapter was the advice to realize that I am not my spouse, and she thinks and sees the world differently than I do.

The final chapter is the only overtly spiritual/religious chapter. It discusses the role of faith and spirituality in a marriage relationship. The Parrotts see the integration of spirituality into a marriage as the ingredient that can turn a very good marriage into one that is great; a relationship that is intimate to one that can only be described as soul-mates. Once more the argument is made primarily from academic sources, not the Bible.

The problem with a "biblical marriage" is that there are so many interpretations and applications of it. Some may be good, while others can be bad to downright terrible. The Bible is not an authority on marriage: it describes marriage and many of them were quite bad. It was written across a huge span of time under many different cultural and sociological contexts. To use it as a primary source for marriage guidance today is problematic.

What I see being done in this book is far better: the ideals and purposes of marriage are broadly found in the Bible, but the specifics and practices of how that works out are found in the realms of science and sociology.

As this book does not contain overly religious material, I feel it is appropriate to a broad audience.

(This review is based on ARC supplied by the publisher through NetGalley.)

View all my reviews