Review: When We Were on Fire

When We Were on Fire: A Memoir of Consuming Faith, Tangled Love, and Starting Over by Addie Zierman
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Balancing devotion and cynicism (both required!)

When preparing charcoal for cooking in an outdoor grill, you can light it by pouring lighter fluid all over it, starting with a flaming inferno (more fluid, more excitement!). Often some pieces are better lit than others. Or you can use a chimney starter and light the charcoal in a "less exciting" fashion but more controlled and even manner. The goal for both methods is to eventually get the coals to a glowing phase, when they're actually useful to cook over. The chimney starter is generally considered the superior method.

The beginning of a Christian life (especially in youth ministry) often resembles the lighter fluid method rather than a chimney starter. Programs and events are designed to get participants excited, "on fire" for God, and pumped up to evangelize the world. But as statistics show to church leaders' dismay, churches are more often shrinking than growing and young people don't "stay in the faith."

In When We Were on Fire, Addie Zierman recounts her faith journey from childhood to motherhood; from an on-fire youth, to a disillusioned young adult, to a wife, mother, and writer who is tentatively rediscovering the joy of faith in Jesus; from the certainty of conservative evangelicalism, to rebellion against it, to living in the tension between devotion and cynicism.

I am about a half-generation ahead of Addie. Which means the specifics of my religious experiences and her experiences aren't exactly the same. But there are familiar themes: rigidness, absolute certainty, keeping rules and maintaining standards, subtle idolization of suffering and persecution, emphasis on overseas missions, emphasis on practicing spiritual disciplines such as prayer and bible studies… Like Addie, by the end of college I found myself nearly burnt out from religion. And like Addie with the arrival of my first child, I began my slow, cautious, tentative steps back toward God. And like Addie, I still continue to try to live on the razor's edge between devotion and cynicism.

Like Addie, I went through a period of intense depression and anxiety. That's why for me, chapter 16 was the most powerful in this book. In this chapter Addie opens up to the descent into depression, becoming overwhelmed by it, seeking treatment, and making the slow ascent out of the pit of darkness. This book is worth just this chapter alone. I read a recent statistic that 60% of all Americans believe prayer alone can solve depression. The number is higher for Christians. This chapter is a wakeup call to Christians that prayer alone is usually not enough, that God works his healing through mental health counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists.

This book is also a memoir about friendships. A handful of individuals make their way into Addie's stories as important parts of her life. Some leave somewhere along the way. Others enter midway. A couple of them stand by her from beginning to end, through all her ups and downs, and through all the changes she has undergone. The relationship of these three was "church" as it was meant to be. "Everything had been changed. But they were still my best friends: Kim. Alissa. They were my deepest community. My church… We didn't talk directly about our faith as much anymore, but it was always there. It was the thing we were really discussing when we asked about one another's lives" (Kindle ed., location 3236).

I recommend this book to all pastors and youth leaders. Yes, it is the story of just one person, but judging from the responses to it, I think it is representative of the many things that can go wrong in teaching, mentoring, and discipling Christians. Addie writes, "… Even the best goals and intentions can be corrupted" (location 3262). What we want is devotion that is sustainable and helpful, not flashy and harmful. Effective ministry does less telling about what is right or wrong, and more about how to evaluate something and whether or not it is true. Effective ministry is less about teaching faith and more about loving people. Effective ministry is less about scheduled services and programs and more about simply getting together to share in one another's lives.

This book will appeal to anyone who has been burned by Christianity. You will find that you are not alone in your struggles. For some it may be just an interesting read with which they can identify and see themselves. For other it may be one of the steps toward healing and recovery from spiritual burnout and/or abuse.

"Cults don't have to be groups necessarily. There is such a thing as a 'cultic relationship.' And it's not about beliefs or values; it's about the method they use to convince you to follow" (location 3079).

This book is Addie's testimony. It's far more than 3-minutes long. It's mostly about the messiness that happens after coming to Christ. And that's why I believe it is so powerful. Too many Christian testimonies seem to be about "How my life was before I accepted Christ, how I came to him, and now things are great." We need more testimonies that say, "I accepted Christ, (my life got worse) and here are my struggles that I am working through with him."

"The future will be a mix of both of these things: the devotion and the cynicism. You have to find a way for them to coexist within you. Let them destroy each other, and your fragile faith may shatter entirely" (location 3334).

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