On possibly being a hypocrite

I am feeling terribly down this morning. I think it is a combination of a whole bunch of negative things just coming together.

Saturday night, it just seemed like my anxiety closet was left open and there was nothing that would shut the door. I drifted in and out of restless sleep all night. Periods of wakefulness worrying about things such as our house not yet selling, about having no steady or reliable income, worrying about not being the right person for what is needed for the church here, and worying about whether or not I made the right decision a month ago. And then my dreams would basically be about the same things. It was a terrible night -- one nightmare after another.

And then there are all the little inconveniences -- if a store here doesn't carry something, I can't just go to the next city down the hhighway -- because there isn't one. It can be ordered in, but that takes time and expense. And many online retailers won't ship to PO Boxes or charge exhorbitant shipping, even for small items. I found that it's cheaper in some cases to have things shipped express to the lower 48, and then have someone there re-ship it up here. It's a different mindset that I need to have to live here, and I worry that maybe I don't have what it takes...

And then I worry about Shelley. It just seems like her attitude towards other people, particularly towards her sister, is getting worse and worse. If Shelley doesn't think something will be fun, or if she doesn't feel like it, she won't do it. I'm told and can recall that I may have been that way around that period of my life, but was it as bad as we are now experiencing with Shelley?

Why does this bug me so much and why do I worry about it so much? I think it is because, right or wrong, I think it reflects on my ability to lead a congregation. If I am unable to manage my own children, who am I to think that I can lead and manage a church? And when others see what my family is really like, I feel that what they see would turn them off. And that adds to my despondency and second-guessing about coming here.

The straw that broke my back this morning was when I saw what happened to one of the orchid plants that we brought up. The cats had been chewing on it for the entire time we'd had it here, but there were still leaves and enough hope for it to possibly recover. But this morning I discovered that the cats had chewed off all of the leaves to just a couple of inches. I still hope that it will recover, but I have virtually no optimism left that it will. I feel like it will just be a matter of time until the plant finds its way into the trash.

And as I think about it, maybe why it was just such a shock is because in many ways I see myself as that orchid. I feel like I've been chewed down to the stumps. When I look at myself today, I don't see much hope of things getting any better. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just see a downward spiral into the sewer and abyss.

All of my strength seems to have been taken away. I can talk and preach about persevering in difficulties, of placing trust in God and not myself, but when the rubber hits the road, it is so much more difficult to the point of near impossibility. I truly feel like a hypocrite -- I say one thing but am totally incapable of actually putting it into practice...